where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
