how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
