Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize