: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
