I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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