thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
