Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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