Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize