textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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