Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she peed on how many people?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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