If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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