I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
