I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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