3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
