please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
