goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
time to smoke my breakfast
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
