My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
