She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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