I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So. Much. Porn.
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