New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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