I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
