i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
