i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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