just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
