So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
