kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize