Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
