Your dad touched me again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
