I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
