so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
