I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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