Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
