LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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