once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You pole danced in your parka.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
