I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
