I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
