So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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