I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
