I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
