I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
