It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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