it's too hot outside to masturbate.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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