forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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