Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
