i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
