you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize