Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
