Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
