i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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