Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
