so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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