I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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