Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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