Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
