WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
