I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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