i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
