I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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