So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
