Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize