Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
