This is not my ceiling
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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